he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
