Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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