Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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