my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
We are two peas in an std pod
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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