His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
