i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
