we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
