My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
