you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
