Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Randomize
