so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
