he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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