im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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