We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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