My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
