if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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