I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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