my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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