Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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