he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize