My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
