Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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