If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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