Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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