I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
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