Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
