I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Well I just put wine in my tea
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
