How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
