Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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