So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
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She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
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So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other