Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.