I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
