FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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