He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
