Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
