i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Randomize
