the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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