he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
