Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
