you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
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I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
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