Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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