Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
