didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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