dude i'm inner monologue high
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
