I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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