i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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