im drinking this country out of the recession.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
