The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
