I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
