Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
