If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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