I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
