i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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