dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
