i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
PANTIES FOUND
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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