I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
