a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Randomize
