ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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