He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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