It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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