while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
two words: eviction party
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We are all done wearing pants today
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Couch. On fire.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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