the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
