My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
