If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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