i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
