when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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