My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
