I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
