i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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