It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He shit in the fireplace
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
