i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize