just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
